myjaxon September 14th, 2007
I have to make some decisions. I really can’t put them off any longer. One of them is something I’ve been attempting to do for years with no real success and that needs to change. The other was going to happen eventually, it’s just occurring sooner than I had planned. Regardless of how these came about, I need to stick by the decisions I’m going to make and that’s going to be really hard.
I need to lose weight. It’s not an option any more. I’m tired of being big and clunky. I’m ready to go shopping and be able to put something on and not think “not in this lifetime”. I’ve made some half-assed attempts in the past, but I really need to do it this time. I want to be where I was going into college. That means I have to lose close to 50lbs and that is not going to be easy. I’ve wanted to try Weight Watchers, and if it was cheaper or we had the money, I would be signing up tonight. Unfortunately, that isn’t an option right now, but I’m hoping to try it sometime this fall. For now, I’ll start with the basics. No more pasta. No more pop. No more sweets (except ice cream). It’s going to be hard. Especially the pasta. It’s an easy and easy meal and we always have it in the apartment. That’s going to change. Besides, pasta makes me tired anyway and it takes away any drive I have going that day. I’ve given up pop before and I can do it again. Sweets is going to be a little harder since Jesse has such a sweet tooth (especially at the moment). I’m not giving up ice cream because I’ll need something sweet and I can get that fat-free and it’ll still taste somewhat good. Plus, I love my Popsicles, as does Ian. Exercising is going to be hard. I have a couple of the Billy Blanks Bootcamp DVDs here and I should do them, but I always feel like an idiot doing aerobics by myself. I would walk, but I’m not comfortable doing that around here. At least not by myself with Ian. We have the Clinton River Trail running behind the complex and there is another one going through the nature reserve we’re next to, but neither are in a well-lit area or a well-traveled area. It creeps me out too much. So this decision has been made….I’m going on a diet and I’m sticking with it. It’s going to take a lot of will power that I don’t have, but I’m hoping that everyone will be supportive and help me keep at it.
Most mothers who breastfeed generally go into their infant bites them. I always thought that meant with teeth, but I’m beginning to realize that isn’t true. Ian doesn’t have any teeth yet, but he has some tough gums. It’s a natural reaction considering he’s on solid foods now, but he’s starting to bite more and my supply is going down anyway. I think it’s time to end the nursing. I wasn’t ready to stop just yet, but I’ve talked with the Ped’s office and they said that most mothers go about 6 months. I was hoping to go closer to 8-9 months, but what can I do. Plus, I’m fertile again and neither of us are ready for another kid. I think we would both lose it if I ended up pregnant. We want time to enjoy watching Ian grow without having to worry about another kid. The only way to ensure we don’t get pregnant is for me to go back on the pill and I can’t do that while I’m nursing. This is a tough decision, but Jesse and I have been talking about it and I think we’re ready to wean Ian off of it. I think the biggest problem we’re going to have is his night awakenings. Truthfully, he should be sleeping through the night, but when I can’t get him to calm down at 3am, nursing helps. Also, whenever I’ve tried giving him a bottle during the day, he doesn’t like it. He wants mama instead. He doesn’t fight the bottle at night. He knows he gets that one, but the ones during the days are different. I think Jesse will agree with this, but we’ll go until our anniversary. Then Ian is getting off of the breast milk and will be sticking to the Gerber foods and formula.
I want to go back to work. Not full time or anything big, but just something that’ll get me out of the house for a couple of hours a week. I’m thinking of getting a job at a retail shop during the weekends for the holiday season. I love being home with Ian, but I want to get out (plus the additional money would be nice). The biggest obstacle to this is day care. We can’t afford it, so we’re going to have to get it so Jesse can take care of Ian for eight hours straight. It takes a lot of patience and realizing that what you want to do isn’t a priority when watching Ian; and Jesse hasn’t accepted that yet. He’s been able to watch Ian for short spans of time, but if watching him gets in the way of him doing something he wants, he starts to lose patience. He’s always had me to fall back on and he won’t if I’m at work. We’re going to try an experiment where Jesse gets Ian for eight hours and I’ll be in the office the entire time just in case. Hopefully Jesse will be able to do it, but I have my doubts (especially considering we’ll have to find time to do it and I know Jesse has things he wants to do). He may surprise me, but I know him. He hasn’t had to get Ian to take a nap or try to figure out what is wrong or any of the small things. There have been a couple of times where I was able to rock Ian to sleep, but it wasn’t a quick 2 minute job. It took a good 10 minutes or longer and it required a lot of patience. Either way, this is a decision I can’t make on my own and I’m not expecting it to go the way I want. We’ll see what happens though.